All my life, I've gone on impulse. I'm a great impulse speaker and an excellent impulse teacher. A superb impulse shopper (in my past life. *ahem*) I'm "naturally" gifted. I suppose. But, I can't remember a time when I knew what I wanted to "be." I've always known that there was something I needed to accomplish at any given time, but no real driving force to "be" something. There have always been attributes I've wanted to acquire or qualities I wanted to hone inside myself, but nothing pulling me toward "be"-
ing something. I know quite a few attorneys, many counselors, some future wives, a public health ex-pat and
too many artists. They all knew they wanted to
be something or somewhere. I've just been floating along, wondering where I'd end up, hoping I'd be the best me in that place. Never selling out to any one thing. Never giving my all to any one thing. Never really resigning myself or dedicating myself or my efforts to seeing something happen for myself, something I really want.
But now I want to BE something. I'd like to think it is very difficult to be derailed when one has made up their minds about what they want to be. I've been told (often) that I'm very hard-headed and that when I am determined there is nothing that can deter me. The only problem is... I'm not determined about much. My job? Not even. My health? Not always. My wellness? Not enough. But I desire to BE something. To feel that my life is being pulled in a specific direction that no one, nothing and no opinion can
supersede. I believe that finding this thing could revolutionize my life. It could provide stability in my innermost places where my identity has been ever-shifting and way too easily influenced. I could stabilize. I could plan. I could believe. I could be unshaken because I'm confident in what I am here to do. How awesome that could be!
It's planted inside me already. It is already written. But now I must find it.
I guess I'm a bit like Santiago. {from
The Alchemist} Ha! I can hear his own inner-dialogue. I am also afraid that my heart will suffer, Santiago. But you found your treasure, so I must be as courageous as you and find mine too.
Maktub,
Z
