I have loved.

I have loved.
I have love,
that was misdirected,
deflected from self
and projected upon the unyielding beloved.
I have loved,
And I yearn for the boomerang
of its fervent toss:
so willing, so open, so honest.
But my boomerang wont come from your direction.
You've shown your dissension
for my choice to love Z.
If only you were A to my Z
we would have encompassed
the entire love language;
A language I still wait to hear,
But you've already spoken in your past life
in a language that I can't seem to understand.
But there is no doubt... I have loved,
Forsaking my peace for yours,
Crying out for you to see and relieve
my pain
from your chaos.
But all you desired
was a piece offering
of me,
to give you reprieve.
But what about Z?
What about LOVING me?
And instead of my peace,
I sipped the venom of deceit,
you offered empty promises, creating a whirlwind of chaos-love,
with dynamite dashes of your past life and
piercings in my heart from present deception,
causing my everydays
to be shrouded
in blues and grays.
What about that?
And still, I have loved.
And you rebuff me
because now
I love Z
with all the fervor
you never gave me,
without the heartache in which you bathed me.
In spite of;
I have
loved.
I would have wrapped rainbows across your shoulders
Been your Moon to shine on you
in your darkest moments.
I would have personally gone to God and asked permission
to grab the clouds, causing them to hover closer to earth
just to make a bed for you
scented with jasmine and aloe
So you could lay your head in peace.
I would have been your shooting star
to captivate your heart.
I would have done it all
Just for the love of you.
But,
my own head would never have rested upon such beauty
never smelled such pleasure
never shined in my dark place
never felt those rainbows
Because my love
was my own
And your love
was the Rubiks cube I could never get to line up for me.
Your love hovers elsewhere, far from Z
but close to the thought of me,
not quite reaching my presence.
Maybe it's in your past life
waiting to be recovered...
In the meantime
This woman's soul needs a Lov-er
to love her
as she did you.
Because there is no doubt:
I have loved.

When the Fairy Tale ... is just that

Times when hearts accelerate
over loss of longing glances
heightened by
a silent ring tone.

Times when he watches my eyes
to see the direction
they follow
a direction
more congruent with my own.

Times when thoughts are crowded with
if's
but's,
how's
so's,
then's
but he said's,
but she said's
then what's?

These times when the fairy tale... is just that,
fluttering away on a storyline
the script of our love doesn't seem to follow
we'd like to float on that tale
but it's too tall
for our everyday
And everyday I wish for
my fairy God
to make my Love tale reality
But
Then there are

Times when I strike out
from a deep place
unfulfilled
Longing for you to fill it
And you not knowing how
Seemingly not wanting to learn

Times when the red of rage
clouds my eyes
and fiery tears burn my cheeks
Because of a desire unmet
The fairy tale
that flew away
without my consent
stealing all the joy
my heart never got the chance
to feel.

oh! do I, love him

I love him
oh!
do I
love him
?
In the close moments
when I gaze
at the chocolate curve
of his shoulder;
the sweet kiss;
the need met;
I love him
In the thunder clap of
love wars
I rage
as my pride is invaded
and
oh!
do I
love him
?
Could love breed such chaos?
But
I am entranced
by the love
fragrance
that envelops me
in our
blue sky-
porch days
and oh!
do I
love him...
in his imperfection
that I long to flee
but grow to
love?